Please call or email me if you have any questions or concerns.
Marnie Hylton, LMSW
PH: 713-295-5272
Email: mhylton@housonisd.org
RESOURCES:
1. By Ellen Hendrickson, PhD,
Savvy Psychologist
Two common questions that come up after a mass
shooting: 1. Why?”
The first is, “why?” Why would someone bring a gun to a concert? Why would someone shoot people at their holiday party? Why would someone shoot kids and teachers?
Answer #1: It’s OK to say you don’t know. Why indeed? It’s hard to answer an unanswerable question. Kids (and most adults) don’t like to acknowledge that tragedy can strike innocent people and that the world isn’t fair. So it’s OK to say, “We don’t know why. We don’t know what they were thinking. It’s wrong and not fair that they hurt people and made a lot of other people scared.”
Answer #2: “Look for the helpers.” We don’t know why bad things happen, but we do know what happens in response. To take a page from Harold S. Kushner’s classic book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People (a helpful read if you’re struggling with existential questions of your own), when tragedy strikes, people come from all corners to help. Tragedies like mass murders are some of the worst things that can happen; however, in response to such evil comes a tide of good: strangers open their doors to each other, communities come together, and individuals help in a million ways, from donations to advocacy to donating blood. Stress to your child how many people pitch in after catastrophe and work to prevent future tragedy. The “why?” may not be answered, but the “then what?” is crystal clear.
End your answer with concrete reassurance of safety and prevention. You can say, “So many people are working to make sure we stay safe. Let’s think of all the people we know who are helping.” Here, collaborate with your child. Let her think of all the people who keep her safe every day: you, grandparents, teachers, the principal, friends’ parents, a beloved babysitter, the police, firefighters. Add whomever your child wants to the list. If he wants to add his teddy bear or the family dog, go for it.
Answer #3: Try not to blame mental illness. With tragedy, we want a reason. We want to be able to answer, “why?" But explaining that a shooter was mentally ill equates mental illness and violence, which increases stigma and, for the millions of people struggling with mental illness, reduces a willingness to speak up and get help. In a time when almost every family knows someone struggling with mental illness, you don’t want kids wrongly equating a school shooter with Uncle Rick’s depression or being afraid of the kid with autism down the block.
In fact, people with mental illness are more likely to be the victims of violence than the perpetrators, plus most acts of gun violence are committed by individuals without mental illness. So instead, say the person had a lot of problems and didn’t know how to solve them without violence. Or, if a media report invokes a mental illness, say, ”Most people with that illness are safe and would never shoot anyone, just like you and I would never shoot anyone.”
2. “Could It Happen Here?”
The second biggest
question in the aftermath of a shooting elsewhere is, “Could it happen here?”
For kids (and their nail-biting parents), the question often becomes, “Could it
happen at my school?”
Note
that we can feel sad, angry, or whatever else we feel about a shooting, but
that we should also love and enjoy being with each other every day ...
Answer
#4: Don’t immediately end the conversation with a blanket denial. Hear me out on this one.
It’s tempting to promise your child that there is zero possibility your
community will ever be involved in a shooting. Period. End of story.
However, consider two
things before offering a flat-out denial and then changing the subject. One,
denial makes the topic taboo. If kids sense the topic is too horrifying even to
ask about, they may feel they have to protect you by not bringing it up again.
Second, denial sends the message that you’re not willing to talk. And that’s
not what we’re after. So instead of tight-lipped denial, keep the conversation going. Say something along the lines of, “No, I don’t think so, but it sounds like you might be worried about that.” Or, “I doubt that would ever happen here—what do you think?” Then listen to what they say. If there’s any fear, invoke your list from Answer #2. And then ...
Answer
#5: Present shootings as rare. According to the National
Center for Education Statistics, there are nearly 100,000 public
schools in the U.S., plus over 30,000 private and parochial schools. Depending
on how you define “school shooting” there were between 20 and 52 shootings in 2015, but only one actually happened inside a
school building: the Umpqua Community College tragedy. Stress that shootings
make the news precisely because they are rare. And while anything greater than
absolute zero is too many school shootings, the chances of actually being at
that school are small.
Answer
#6: Talk about not living in fear. Ask kids what they think the shooters were trying
to do: hurt people, scare people, make people sad and afraid. Ask if that’s
what we should do, or, if instead, we should keep going to school,
showing up at soccer practice, having birthday parties, going to concerts,
being with our families and friends, and all the other things we love. Note
that we can feel sad, angry, or whatever else we feel about a shooting, but
that we should also love and enjoy being with each other every day, and live
our lives as fully as we can.
Answer
#7: Address worries about drills. If your child’s school practices silent safety
drills, known in scarier terms as lockdown drills or active shooter drills,
compare it to a more familiar drill, like a fire drill or an earthquake drill.
Ask your child how many fires or earthquakes they’ve actually had at
school. Chances are the answer is zero. Stress that for all these
emergencies, they will probably never need the plan, but the school wants to
practice just to make sure the plan works. You can also compare drills to
other, less scary safety behaviors we do automatically and will probably never
need, like buckling a seat belt, wearing a bike helmet, or knowing how to call
911.
Answer
#8 is not a talking point at
all. Simply listen to what your child
has to say. Then follow up with hugs and an “I love you.” Whether
they’re two or twenty-two, they’ll always be your kid and will always soak in
reminders that you love them and that you’ll do everything you can to keep them
safe, even if they’re too cool to admit they even have parents.
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From the National Child Traumatic Stress Network
www.NCTSN.org
The recent shooting has evoked many emotions—sadness, grief, helplessness, anxiety, and anger. Children who are struggling with their thoughts and feelings about the stories and images of the shooting may turn to trusted adults for help and guidance.
• Start the conversation. Talk about the shooting with your child. Not talking about it can make the event even more threatening in your child’s mind. Silence suggests that what has occurred is too horrible even to speak about or that you do not know what has happened. With social media (e.g., Facebook, Twitter, text messages, newsbreaks on favorite radio and TV stations, and others), it is highly unlikely that children and teenagers have not heard about this. Chances are your child has heard about it, too.
• What does your child already know? Start by asking what your child/teen already has heard about the events from the media and from friends. Listen carefully; try to figure out what he or she knows or believes. As your child explains, listen for misinformation, misconceptions, and underlying fears or concerns. Understand that this information will change as more facts about the shooting are known.
• Gently correct inaccurate information. If your child/teen has inaccurate information or misconceptions, take time to provide the correct information in simple, clear, age-appropriate language.
• Encourage your child to ask questions, and answer those questions directly. Your child/teen may have some difficult questions about the incident. For example, she may ask if it is possible that it could happen at your workplace; she is probably really asking whether it is "likely." The concern about re-occurrence will be an issue for caregivers and children/teens alike. While it is important to discuss the likelihood of this risk, she is also asking if she is safe. This may be a time to review plans your family has for keeping safe in the event of any crisis situation. Do give any information you have on the help and support the victims and their families are receiving. Like adults, children/teens are better able to cope with a difficult situation when they have the facts about it. Having question-and-answer talks gives your child ongoing support as he or she begins to cope with the range of emotions stirred up by this tragedy.
• Limit media exposure. Limit your child’s exposure to media images and sounds of the shooting, and do not allow your very young children to see or hear any TV/radio shooting-related messages. Even if they appear to be engrossed in play, children often are aware of what you are watching on TV or listening to on the radio. What may not be upsetting to an adult may be very upsetting and confusing for a child. Limit your own exposure as well. Adults may become more distressed with nonstop exposure to media coverage of this shooting.
• Common reactions. Children/Teens may have reactions to this tragedy. In the immediate aftermath of the shooting, they may have more problems paying attention and concentrating.
They may become more irritable or defiant. Children and even teens may have trouble separating from caregivers, wanting to stay at home or close by them. It’s common for young people to feel anxious about what has happened, what may happen in the future, and how it will impact their lives. Children/Teens may think about this event, even when they try not to. Their sleep and appetite routines may change. In general, you should see these reactions lessen within a few weeks.
• Be a positive role model. Consider sharing your feelings about the events with your child/teen, but at a level they can understand. You may express sadness and empathy for the victims and their families. You may share some worry, but it is important to also share ideas for coping with difficult situations like this tragedy. When you speak of the quick response by law enforcement and medical personnel to help the victims (and the heroic or generous efforts of ordinary citizens), you help your child/teen see that there can be good, even in the mist of such a horrific event.
• Be patient. In times of stress, children/teens may have trouble with their behavior, concentration, and attention. While they may not openly ask for your guidance or support, they will want it. Adolescents who are seeking increased independence may have difficulty expressing their needs. Both children and teens will need a little extra patience, care, and love. (Be patient with yourself, too!).
• Extra help. Should reactions continue or at any point interfere with your children’s/teens’ abilities to function or if you are worried, contact local mental health professionals who have expertise in trauma. Contact your family physician, pediatrician, or state mental health associations for referrals to such experts.
